I’m Not Sure About Posting This, But Here Goes

This post is deeply personal, I don’t expect anyone to read it. I just felt I needed to get this out after a girl posted in my forum about being just a little overweight and sometimes wishing she had an eating disorder. I could have made this private, but I feel I have to post this.

Eating disorders are horrific things. They take a perfectly happy, healthy person (ED’s are not a problem to females, cases in men are rising) and destroy them from the inside out. Nothing matters, apart from food. Relationships crumble, work suffers and for what? No weight on the scale will satisfy you. No words anyone can say will make you see yourself any differently. It’s hell on earth. It begs the question why anyone would actually want to go through all that, sacrificing your physical and mental health and for what? Because you want to be thin but can’t commit to an attitude and lifestyle change. Please, from someone who knows better, just listen to me.

An eating disorder will destroy every facet of your life. You start hiding things from everyone: you hide food from yourself so you won’t be tempted to eat it; you hide food from other people because you want to get out of eating as much as possible (the documentaries don’t lie, sufferers will hide food under their nails and in their hair); you avoid your friends because you have days you physically can’t drag yourself out of bed because you see yourself as too fat to be seen. You and your eating disorder have a lot of alone time together, and the ED goblins will break down every molecule of what makes you, you.

Even if you think you’re getting away from it, if you’re not strong enough, your ED grabs hold of your ankles and drags you back down. It’s been almost 6 years since my own problems started, and although by the time I’m writing this, I consider myself recovered, I still have my thoroughly disordered thoughts locked up in my head. Some days, they get loose and wreak haoc with my body image. I thank my lucky stars I have Chris to reassure me that it’s just the EDNOS goblins fucking with me.

Recovery is hard, and if you’re not fully committed to the process, your ED will haul you back in. Prior to my ED, I played hockey, ran almost every day, went swimming. My social life was great. EDNOS ruined all of that. I couldn’t go out for lunch with the girls after games because the thought of choosing something from the menu made my heart race and my brain shut down. I didn’t enjoy my runs as I had no energy, yet drove myself on. I stopped going out as I couldn’t deal with my friends snacking. Even now, eating out still stresses me out, always fighting the urge to purge right afterwards.

Even now, every day is a struggle. I’m not sure my ED will ever leave me, but I’ve been fighting for so long, I feel I can’t give up. Especially now I have a reason to keep myself healthy. I don’t even have pictures of me at my most ill now, which I’m glad of. I was a walking corpse.

ED’s will leave you with lasting physical issues. In the December of my first year at university, I was sleeping in my outdoors winter coat, with at least two pairs of pyjamas underneath. My hair started falling out, my skin became even more pale so I looked almost green. I believe the problems I have with my hips stem from the years of malnourishment. I still have issues with heat and cold, I feel feint after a hot shower, and shiver in a coat whenever a medium wind blows. If you can get out, do everything you can. If I’d have continued at the rate I was going, I’d be dead by now.

Are you sure this is still the path for you?


Protect Yourself, There’s No Excuse

Supporters of Planned Parenthood

Supporters of Planned Parenthood (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m going to make things clear from the outset here – I don’t want children. I don’t even want to be around the children my friends may or may not have in the future longer than I absolutely have to. They make me uncomfortable, and the thought of wrecking my body to bring a child into this world disturbs me. I won’t be having children.

Now, being of reasonable common sense, I know that to avoid falling pregnant, I must use protection when having sex. That seems more than obvious to me. Sadly, it doesn’t appear to be obvious to everyone.

There are so many different methods of contraception available, hormonal and non-hormonal there really is no excuse you can give that washes. I’m glad I live in the UK, and can have free access to birth control (here in Scotland, they abolished prescription charges, so it’s completely free). In the USA, you have access to Planned Parenthood, which I’ve read gives out free condoms when you go to ask for advice (if I’m wrong, please feel free to correct me). Also at this point I’d like to add how absolutely insane it sounds that American people and politicians want to take all funding away from Planned Parenthood.

In my own experience, and I’ve been through the awkward buying of a packet of condoms as a teenager – I’d rather go through that a million times than be landed with a child. Having a child would ruin my life, so I’d do anything in my power to avoid it. When I was single, I “doubled up”, using both birth control and condoms to avoid both pregnancy and STD’s. And now I’m with someone and we’re both happy neither of us have anything sinister floating around in our stuff, I use the pill only.

Continuing on the point of doubling up as a single woman – you can’t just trust that the lucky guy is going to have a condom on him. You take him back to yours? Have a box hidden away in a drawer in your room. You go back to his? Have a condom or two in a little part of your bag.

There really is no excuse not to protect yourself properly. If you’re caught short one night, or the condom breaks, then there’s always the morning after/plan b pill, but you can’t use that as a viable means of stopping pregnancy. Those hormones kick your ass.

Look after your own interests, please.
If you’re not sure what sort of birth control would work for you – I found this brilliant thing to help you decide on the Planned Parenthood website.

Friendship Friday – How Long is Too Long to Wait For a Reply?

Texting on a qwerty keypad phone

Texting on a qwerty keypad phone (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I come to you with a question: how long is too long to wait for a reply from someone who you consider a close friend? How long can you put up with a certain someone being difficult to get in touch with before you snap?

Let’s Talk About The Basics

I’ve known this girl since we were in primary school. We shared crisps and sweets at break time, sat together at lunch, I even used to ask out boys for her (I was always much too busy playing rugby/football with the guys to be interested in them). We’ve always been close from the first time I told a girl off for being mean to her as she was too weak to tell her herself.

When we went to high school, we weren’t in any of the same classes any more, but we still kept close, meeting up in the same place every day so we didn’t miss each other. We met up most evenings, including our special “ned  Wednesdays” where we used to dress up like chavs and either go running or wander to areas of town we’d never been before, usually ending up in being lost (which should be harder in a town with less than 20,000 residents). We started going to gigs together, started underage drinking around the same time, even went through the same sorts of “phases” at the same time (one example being the emo phase I had some nostalgia for here). We were inseparable. Well, until she got a proper boyfriend anyway.

Joys With Jay And Friends

During the aforementioned emo phase, we started hanging around with the boys who skated and listened to similar music to us. Lucy started going out with a boy called Jay, and they really got on very well….the first time. Being basically children but attempting to grow up much too fast, they spent all of their time together, separate from the rest of us. I’d try to keep up with what was going on in her life, but getting her to text or phone back was already becoming harder. I had no idea just how hard it was going to get.

Fights, “Friends” And Assorted Fun

I’ve always had a decent temper, but over time it does begin to fray. This friendship was dying, and because we’d been so close for so long, I was damned if I was going to let it go just because of some guy. I remember leaving multiple voicemails and texts for her but it was still one way traffic. She’d surrounded herself with a bunch of new “friends” who I could tell only wanted to hang around because her parents let her use the house for parties at the weekend.

I was proved right because when she broke up with Jay, they all disappeared and weren’t there to support her. Yet I patiently sat there, listening to her complain about the bunch of pricks she’d set up with. I bit my tongue, but it served her right.

And Now, I Just Fucking Give Up

Jumping forward a few years, we’re in the present day. I can’t actually remember the last time I saw Lucy since the good period back at the start of the year. Sure, I’ve been seeing a lot of Chris, but I’ve been texting her to ask what’s been going on and if she was free to hang about at some time. Average reply time is now sitting at around a week, unless she wants something.

I’m at my wits end, considering this past week I haven’t been able to text as my phone bill hasn’t been paid and I can’t afford to pay it myself, and now she decides she’s my friend again. Perhaps she’s had another falling out with Ashley or some other bellend I can’t stand to be around, but my sympathy is running thin with her. Why hang around with people she plainly doesn’t like? I refuse to see her if she’s going out with Ashley, as I just don’t like the girl.

After a barrage of texts (including a laughable one asking when my birthday is – the day and month are the same fucking number!), a facebook post and even a solitary tweet I finally replied, saying “Hey you, things are great here. How’s yourself? Cannae text back as bill’s no been paid! Miss you!” and as yet I’ve had no response. Any bets on how long it’s going to take?

I give up. No more effort is coming from this end until she bucks up her ideas.


Do you have similar issues with flaky friends? How do you deal with them? How long is too long to stand for this? I’d like to hear your input.

Oh, Come On Now

Limited edition B cover

Image via Wikipedia

I’ve put up with my fair amount of crap in my life, but this year is just taking the cake. My boyfriend has been away since June, my dad has been diagnosed with a brain tumour, started having seizures and has now been through major surgery, yet I’m being some sort of glutton for punishment as I’m still trying to help others out.

The main part of my online life is the forum I’ve been running for the best part of 3 years now. I’ve been a member for around 6 as well, and have met some of my best friends through it. Older people I know think it’s fucking mental that I can share intimate details of my life that I wouldn’t dream of sharing with my best friends I see often, but it’s all based on trust. I don’t run off and tell Chris or anyone else about what the girls have been saying, and I trust they would do the same, so I don’t mind looking to them for help, considering that’s what the forum is for. I’ve leaned on them more in the last 6 months than I ever have before, although I haven’t been able to actually post much, I keep in touch with a good few of my staff members, and they’re always there to help me out. It’s amazing.

My problem is that although I run Girl Support, I still don’t feel like I’m helping out other people much and I always want to do more, but right now I find myself needing to take the advice, rather than giving it. I just need someone to take me in their arms, tell me it’s all going to be ok, and just be there to listen to all my worries, no matter how daft they are.

It’s fucking tiring sometimes.