I’m Not Sure About Posting This, But Here Goes

This post is deeply personal, I don’t expect anyone to read it. I just felt I needed to get this out after a girl posted in my forum about being just a little overweight and sometimes wishing she had an eating disorder. I could have made this private, but I feel I have to post this.

Eating disorders are horrific things. They take a perfectly happy, healthy person (ED’s are not a problem to females, cases in men are rising) and destroy them from the inside out. Nothing matters, apart from food. Relationships crumble, work suffers and for what? No weight on the scale will satisfy you. No words anyone can say will make you see yourself any differently. It’s hell on earth. It begs the question why anyone would actually want to go through all that, sacrificing your physical and mental health and for what? Because you want to be thin but can’t commit to an attitude and lifestyle change. Please, from someone who knows better, just listen to me.

An eating disorder will destroy every facet of your life. You start hiding things from everyone: you hide food from yourself so you won’t be tempted to eat it; you hide food from other people because you want to get out of eating as much as possible (the documentaries don’t lie, sufferers will hide food under their nails and in their hair); you avoid your friends because you have days you physically can’t drag yourself out of bed because you see yourself as too fat to be seen. You and your eating disorder have a lot of alone time together, and the ED goblins will break down every molecule of what makes you, you.

Even if you think you’re getting away from it, if you’re not strong enough, your ED grabs hold of your ankles and drags you back down. It’s been almost 6 years since my own problems started, and although by the time I’m writing this, I consider myself recovered, I still have my thoroughly disordered thoughts locked up in my head. Some days, they get loose and wreak haoc with my body image. I thank my lucky stars I have Chris to reassure me that it’s just the EDNOS goblins fucking with me.

Recovery is hard, and if you’re not fully committed to the process, your ED will haul you back in. Prior to my ED, I played hockey, ran almost every day, went swimming. My social life was great. EDNOS ruined all of that. I couldn’t go out for lunch with the girls after games because the thought of choosing something from the menu made my heart race and my brain shut down. I didn’t enjoy my runs as I had no energy, yet drove myself on. I stopped going out as I couldn’t deal with my friends snacking. Even now, eating out still stresses me out, always fighting the urge to purge right afterwards.

Even now, every day is a struggle. I’m not sure my ED will ever leave me, but I’ve been fighting for so long, I feel I can’t give up. Especially now I have a reason to keep myself healthy. I don’t even have pictures of me at my most ill now, which I’m glad of. I was a walking corpse.

ED’s will leave you with lasting physical issues. In the December of my first year at university, I was sleeping in my outdoors winter coat, with at least two pairs of pyjamas underneath. My hair started falling out, my skin became even more pale so I looked almost green. I believe the problems I have with my hips stem from the years of malnourishment. I still have issues with heat and cold, I feel feint after a hot shower, and shiver in a coat whenever a medium wind blows. If you can get out, do everything you can. If I’d have continued at the rate I was going, I’d be dead by now.

Are you sure this is still the path for you?

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12 thoughts on “I’m Not Sure About Posting This, But Here Goes

    • Do you mean when a girl so desperate to lose weight posts in an ED support thread saying she “wishes” she had an eating disorder? That’s what prompted this blog post.
      People see images of celebrities, hear anorexia banded around along with them and get the totally wrong idea.
      It’s debilitating, humiliating and utterly horrific. Why anyone would ever want to go through all that baffles me. I didn’t ask for my ED.

  1. As someone who is still suffering with hers, I know exactly how you felt when she posted that. I never thought about the problem I have with my bones being linked to my eating. I also have the problems with cold, and have to sit down in the shower so I don’t fall. Yet I’m at my healthiest weight, so the doctors don’t believe me about it.

  2. oh my god this is so, so good. I just got out of treatments and its helped me so much to read this. Thank you so, so much for writing it.

  3. I haven’t read this til now. I know exactly what you mean about the post that moron made. What’s always got me down is often people, even including doctors, refuse to accept that I suffer from an ED because of the nature of it. I’ve always been horrendously overweight because of my ED; yet when it completely swung in the other direction, and I pretty much gave up eating, no one cared and people actively encouraged me because I was at ‘a normal weight’
    EDs of every kind are horrific, evil demons that no one who has ever been a sufferer will be truly free of.

    • Thank you for reading and commenting Hannah. I didn’t want to publicise it but felt I had to post it on GS tonight.
      I was tiny, and literally resembled a skeleton and because my BMI hadn’t hit the desired level (if it had, I’d be dead), I wasn’t able to be referred for specific help.
      My body is ruined, so in that sense my ED will never be truly away from me in that sense, but if I can learn to live with myself at this weight (which at this moment in time I’m really NOT ok with, I’ve gained again and feel disgusting) at least my brain might can get out.

      • I know I’ll never be rid of this, because I’ll never be good enough or small enough even after losing weight (if I ever do), and the sheer length of time it is taking to get rid of my excess weight (for my own mental and physical health) is just making me despair even more.
        BMI is a fucking awful thing and any doctor that relies on it is a moron. But I guess people who have suffered from the things we have suffered from have learnt very quickly how moronic most doctors are.

      • BMI is ridiculous, given the size it would take for me to be in a low enough range, I wouldn’t have been able to walk down to the doctor for fear of snapping something.

  4. Wow, I don’t think there are any words to describe how this made me feel. As someone who’s also technically “recovered” but still affected by their ED, I know exactly how your felt and still feel and it’s just… I’m sorry you had to go through that.

    • Thank you for reading, Shuang. It can be hard to read things from someone else’s mind which resonate so clearly in yours. The lassie was clearly a moron, but her idiocy didn’t make me feel better about my situation. This new girl who says she isn’t suffering made me have a pretty major set back as well. It’s just awful, really.
      Also, thank you for being so honest in your post on your LJ. I found it very interesting, and similarly familiar.
      You know where I am if you’re ever struggling

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